All Good

I was nervous beforehand, but all was ok. They graduated us today. Gave us all the paperwork to take to the regular OB next week. After all this close monitoring, I am a little scared that we won't have another ultrasound for quite some time. They're more reassuring than anything else. Maybe that's my new birthday present wish? :) We had a pretty long u/s today, since it was the last one before leaving and they were making notes. The baby is still measuring to the exact day. Today, it was moving! We had never seen that before. It's smaller than a gummy bear, but it's starting to have arm buds and it was definitely moving. Crazy. Now, to hope this SCH resolves itself and quits acting up.

I'm also very worried because we're now in the window of when the first loss happened. We don't know exactly when it happened, but it was the middle or end of the 8th week. The RE told me that with our good measurements it's unlikely something would happen at this point, but she is aware that we lost that lottery before. When they happen at this point, it's almost always chromosomal. Unfortunately, there's no way to know if that will happen until it does. All we can do is hope. I am not usually a superstitious person, but I've been so scared to do certain things for fear of jinxing it!

Thank Goodness I Was Warned

If the RE hadn't warned me that it could seriously gush, I'd be panicking right now. Instead I'm oddly not. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's really weird to have the equivalent of the worst 1st day of your period ever while you're PREGNANT. But she warned me it could happen, that the blood was going to get out of there somehow. I called to make sure it was safe to put my medicine in while the bleeding was happening and they offered to see us tomorrow morning. (I didn't even ask! Honest!) I'm a little nervous, and a little scared, but 99% sure that all is ok and that this is just the SCH continuing to bleed out.

Relief

I have never been more shocked at my body than I was this morning. We got to the doctor's office, and amazingly there was nobody there and they took us right away. They know I'm looney and a little high anxiety due to my 2 losses, and they are very good to me! I explained what was going on, and the weird pressure I had last night that I thought was just exhaustion after standing up and teaching a professional development all day. She took notes, and started the ultrasound. As soon as the grainy, blurry blob showed up on the screen she said the best 4 words on Earth, "Well, there's the heartbeat!" The baby is still measuring exactly to the day of the Rescue ICSI. The heartbeat is exactly where it needs to be. I cried. I couldn't believe it. Something ELSE went our way. How is it possible that this keeps happening?!? She found the bleed on the screen. I guess (from how she explained it) the sac can pull away from the wall and cause a little bleeding. Some people absorb it and go on with their lives and never know, some people bleed. I'm in the half that has to panic. :) She said what is in there is small, but that it could still bleed. I asked if she meant little leaking like this morning (It honestly wasn't much this morning, it was just the color that terrified me!) and she said it can be so heavy that it saturates your clothes with no warning.

So, I've got that to maybe look forward to? Ugh. But I'm told not to panic. I'm working on that. :)

So many things went our way today, not just the results.

#1 - My husband was home when I woke up bleeding. He's usually at work by then, and 45 minutes away. Because he had to be home to wait for the pest guy to visit, he was here and managed my insanity while also dealing with his own fear. He's the best!

#2 - I'm supposed to be at a relatively important thing at work today, but there's another session next week so it's manageable that I'm home on the couch with my feet up until it stops. If this had happened in a few weeks, it would have been much harder to deal with.

#3 - I was getting up early because I couldn't sleep, so I had plenty of time to shower and get to the office during morning time.

#4 - My RE office was empty today, a rarity. That enabled them to calm our fears that much sooner.

Scared

We're scared. I woke up bleeding. I know this is insane, but I have an important work thing to do today, so if I can get there, I'd like to. So we're going to go over during morning monitoring time and see if they can squeeze us in. I know people deal with this all the time, in fact I've seen several girls deal with it in the past week or so that were in my IVF cycle group online, and they're all fine. But I'm 0 for 2 in the bleeding while pregnant department, so I'm terrified. I can't do this again. I can't.

Preparing to Graduate

Today I had to call the regular OB and make my appointment for when I graduate from Shady Grove. I was nervous to call because I didn’t want to jinx anything! I know that’s silly, but I don’t have a lot of normal rational thought when it comes to pregnancy anymore. (I was glad to see during all the days I worked this summer that I can still be normal and rational when it comes to the real world!) To certify my annoyance with the practice, I left a message in the “make an appointment” voice mailbox at 1, and they called me back at 4:20.  I’m definitely going to have to train my brain to get back in the mindset of being at a regular doctor!

Heartbeat!

I was really really nervous going into today’s appointment. Like shaking nervous. I was worried that we wouldn’t see anything, that it would look the same as before and nothing would have happened. The Wednesday scare didn’t help. But as soon as she started the ultrasound, we could see that something was there. And we could see and hear the heart beating. I’m not done being scared, but for the first time I’m starting to think that maybe it could happen. That in turn scares me because we’re still not to the milestone loss date from the first one. We go back in 10 days which will be 8 and a half weeks, right around when the test results showed the loss happened last time. I wish we were going to have another ultrasound after that, but we will graduate to the regular OB after our July 30^th appointment. That’s scary. It will be very different working with them, because they’re not the kind of practice that answers the phone and solves your problem or answers your question within 10 seconds like Shady Grove is.

Nervous/Panic

I panicked today and called the doctor. One of my medicines is a tablet that I have to take vaginally rather than orally. It’s white, so that is a calming thing when it leaks out later. Today it was yellow/tan rather than white. It scared me to death. I was at a conference so I didn’t have free ability to use the phone, but I got a call in and a message back later. They said I’m probably fine and that I’m probably just irritated from taking this medicine for a month and getting multiple ultrasounds and that kind of thing. But I’m still stressed. It stopped after awhile but the stress level did not. I’m trying to stay calm because that’s what is the healthiest, but it isn’t easy.

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to me!

We did the ultrasound this morning. Not much to see at 5w4d. While I feel marginally happier, I still don’t feel all the way relieved. We got all the way to seeing the heartbeat at 7 and a half weeks the first time, and they say that once you see the heartbeat your chances of miscarriage are really small. But then 2 weeks later I bled and we found out it had happened the week between the ultrasound and the bleeding. So I don’t know when I will lose this level of stress, but it isn’t yet, that’s for sure. I keep trying to just say, Today, I am pregnant.

Beta #3 - Even bigger!

Another big jump, this time to 1188! The next time I go to the doctors, on the 10^th, (My birthday!) we won’t have bloodwork, it will be an ultrasound. We won’t be able to see much at that early stage, but once your bloodwork gets over 2000, the ultrasound is more useful than the beta number. Since my doubling time is 30-something hours, we’ll be over 2000 by tomorrow and therefore graduate to the next step.

I am still not out of the nervous-to-the-point-of-feeling-sick stage. I would like that to end soon.

Beta #2 - Still Climbing

Today they wanted to see 150 or higher. It was 336! While it’s exciting to see it go up so high, I compared my numbers to the Beta Base website and it’s highly unlikely that both embryos took. It’s still a possibility, but not a probability anymore. We are once again hoping for doubling by Thursday.