Bloodwork Results

Since there's a rule written somewhere that doctors are forbidden to call me with happy news, I got a somewhat disconcerting phone call today. They wanted to re-do my bloodwork since I'm a year older (and quickly approaching advanced maternal age at my ripe old age of 32 and almost a half!) and now some of it is wonky. The one that is bothering me the most is a marker that something could be up with my pituitary gland. My mom has a hundred and one issues with hers, but as far as we know they're secondary to her tumor removal. But what if they're not? What if I inherited some kind of "your pituitary gland hates you" gene? Honestly, when she mentioned that tiny (so tiny they don't always show up on scans) tumor in my head could be causing this, I lost my ever loving mind. But then, I remembered everything I have learned at Brain Tumor Day! You see, I have driven my mom to Pituitary Patient Education Day at Hopkins for the last 3 years. The presentations are usually similar (see: PowerPoint slide with xray of Homer Simpson & a tiny brain) but I know big words like micro-adenoma. If that's what it is, I take a pill and my hormones go back to normal. Who knew that the tumor option could be the best case scenario?

I have to go back tomorrow to a different lab to get the bloodwork drawn again. No stress, none at all, right? Sigh.

P.S. I don't want a brain tumor. Even if a pill fixes it.

Back to Shady Grove

Last year around this time, we started our Shady Grove journey. Since then, we have been successful on our own and suffered a loss. After my miscarriage, it took about 6 weeks for my body to get back on cycle. Then they told us to wait 3 cycles for my body to normalize. That put us in late summer before we were even back in the game. We decided not to run right back to the doctor since we were successful on our own, but decided that if November came around and we were still waiting, we were going back.

We're back.

Dr. K. gave us the same speech as last year. Pill IUI, injectable IUI, or IVF. Since my insurance covers 2 IUIs and they are less invasive, that's what we are starting with. I know that Clomid is taken by zillions of people, but it scares the bejeezus out of me. (FYI, bejeezus is recognized by my computer as a real world because it's not underlined in red. Amazing.) I have such a bad history with reactions to medicine. I don't want to fill myself up with all these medicines and then have it cause some kind of issue with me later on. I worry sometimes that all the medicines I took when I was younger and in search of pain free living are what got me here to start with, so adding more medicine to the mix, particularly one that messes with my reproductive system, is scary. But parents of people my age have taken it, so I guess if it was causing lots of diseases or cancers, they would have taken it off the market by now.

Last Day Before Work

I have to go back to work tomorrow.  Everyone keeps saying they wouldn't fault me if I stayed out one more day and went back next Monday, but it'll be good to go back with only 1 day before the weekend I think.  The bleeding was almost gone yesterday, but came back overnight with a vengeance.  It's slowing now, thankfully.  I'm going out to lunch with my MIL and SIL today, so it'll give me a reason to be up and about.  Yesterday I took Mike's car in for some work which also gave me a reason to leave the house.  Today I spent a lot of time getting the cat litter clean because he'd been scooping it while I was pregnant and it needed a hard core cleaning. (And he needs some lessons about how "doing the litter" doesn't only mean scooping and running.) :)

Yesterday was the hardest emotionally so far.  Maybe because the physical symptoms are lessening and so the emotional can come through? I'm sure my hormones have to bottom out at some point, too. 

I'd like it to be months from now.  Just skip right there...

My Stupid Body

Friday evening, I felt physically ok.  I was grateful that physically it was going to be not so bad.

Saturday morning when I woke up, the pain was unbearable.  It was a combination of the sensation of getting kicked in the groin and an intense version of the monthly pain I've been dealing with for so long.  Not really cramping, just pain.  I gave in and started taking the codeine.  I even had Mike wake me up when he went to bed in the middle of the night so that I wouldn't miss a dose.

Sunday, it was bad enough to make me catch my breath many times.  I had to take the pain pills regularly to even be ok enough to not make my eyes water.  I paged the on-call doc and he gave me permission to alternate between advil & codeine.  For most of the day, it was at least bearable, but later in the evening it turned into extreme cramps and the bleeding increased a lot.

This morning, I started passing lots of clots and there is more blood.  I have to have an ultrasound in a few hours to see if anything is wrong or if they missed anything...

Things That Will Be Hard

We have friends that are due a month before we were.  It was hard to see her posting on facebook this morning about ticking over to another week in her pregnancy.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  I wasn't expecting it to be that bad.

Procedure

I had the d&c procedure today.  We spent several hours at the hospital, most of it in the pre-op department.  They called me to come around 12:45pm but they didn't take me back until 3pm.  I think we left around 4:30.

The nurses with the exception of one were all very nice.  The anesthesiologist gave me zofran so that I wouldn't get sick, and didn't argue with me like some other anesthesiologist have done in the past.  Now that I'm getting to the point that I know the drill with being put to sleep, I know what to ask for.

The one nurse that was not my favorite had an odd reaction to something I felt.  Mike rubbed my arm when he said goodbye, forgetting that I had an IV (protected under tape, but still, I hate the way they feel when they are in, even with the tape holding them down) and I yelped and said STOP!  The nurse said "Really? It hurts that bad just being touched?" But not in a questioning tone of voice, more of a "seriously? wimp much?" tone of voice.  I just said not to worry, I have fibroamyalgia & am just the princess & the pea when it comes to touch sensation.  But I was annoyed that I had to explain myself because seriously.  You're wheeling me into a surgery to take out my dead baby.  Give me a freakin break, lady.

After I got out, I was pretty drunk & loopy.  I was much better than with my bladder test last year when I drunk dialed & slurred my way through conversations with my mom and best friend, but I was still having the same conversations over and over.  I didn't realize it until Mike & his mom outright laughed at me when I asked about my glasses again.

Mike's mom got us some pizza for dinner (Thank you, Zofran, for making food possible!) and then his friends came over to watch TV while I laid on the couch.  It was nice to have some distractions.  I'm glad his friend called and offered to come over, because we wouldn't have asked anyone to do it but it helped.

It's Gone

I went to the bathroom on my way out of work today, and I was bleeding.  I immediately called Mike & told him to meet me at the hospital.  Then I called the Dr while I drove.  They told me to go home, put my feet up, and call them with a bleeding update soon.

I was a complete bitch to the person on the phone at the Dr's.  I'm usually fine deferring to Dr's because they have a lot of knowledge.  But it was bad.  I didn't want to go home.

It worked, because I had an appointment 45 minutes later.  Mike met me there, we met the u/s tech, and had a scan.

The tech wasn't legally allowed to say anything to us.  However, she was silent and not speaking.  Then she started tearing up.  Then she turned on the color on the ultrasound machine.  Last time, just 2 weeks ago, when they turned on the color, the baby lit up like fireworks and we could see the heart beating with the color changes.  Today, there was no color so we knew.  I asked for a picture.  She said a couple times that she wasn't allowed to say anything, so I just said, "I am sure there are more fun parts of your job."  She replied, "This is certainly the hardest part" and handed us the tissues.  So I appreciate that while she wasn't allowed to officially read us the ultrasound, she didn't pretend we were dumb.

Then we went upstairs and the doctor told us the official news.  I had the option of waiting for days or weeks until my body takes care of it on its own, or I can have a d&c to take care of it.  I opted for the surgery so we can start moving on, at least physically.

As horrible as this is, I am thankful for the following:
-I had driven alone to work today because I was supposed to have class, so I was able to speed down 95 right to the hospital as soon as I knew I was bleeding 
-The nurse at the office dealing with my bitchiness and getting me an appointment right then.  My bleeding stopped, so if I had gone home I would have gotten false hope.
-The tech was kind to us
-The doctor that I like just happened to be the one working late, and just happens to be the one on the schedule for tomorrow's surgery