Happy Anniversary!!!!!!!!

I tested every morning this week after getting the initial positive on Tuesday, and it was still positive when I went this morning for blood work. The nurse called to confirm the positive this afternoon, while I was at work. Talk about having to put on a poker face! J I left the room to answer the phone, but I had to go back shortly thereafter and get back to our writing. Last time with the chemical pregnancy, it was 50, six days after my missed period. Today is the equivalent of my missed period, and it’s 70! It is supposed to double every 2-3 days, so I go back on Monday to check it. I'm nervous, oh so nervous. I miss the joy that I feel we should have. I mean, I'm happy - we both are. But still super nervous that it won't stick. But for today, I'm pregnant.

Best anniversary present EVER! J

8dp3dt

(Title Translation: 8 days past 3 day transfer - There's all kinds of lingo in the IF world)

Throughout this process, I have been using a support group online. It’s a little like a water park ride. Since there are so many of us, just about every day someone starts their stims, triggers, has a retrieval, a transfer, or a beta (blood pregnancy) test. You wait your turn forever and ever, and then finally it’s your turn to slide. It's a great experience, because when someone has success there is nothing but joy for them. I don't get the "why is everyone but me fertile!?" feeling like I do in real life. I know that is my own selfish emotions coming into play, but it's really hard. I am glad I have proved to myself that I really can feel overjoyed with emotion for someone's success. It's not a contest to see who was infertile the longest or who deserves pregnancy the most, that's not it at all. It's just stupid human emotion. I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy. Honestly. I wouldn't want anyone to feel what a miscarriage feels like, or a second one. Or waking up to a period 35 times while you wish it wasn't there. But it's still nice to have a connection to others who are walking the same path and who get it. Especially because IF is such a silent thing. It isn't like you can just bring it up at lunch and chit chat about it. Which I think is dumb on one hand because it's nothing to be embarrassed about, it's just another medical diagnosis and journey. On the other hand, we put active effort into making sure it isn't all we talk about or think about. So since we're not "out" in our social circles, it doesn't have to be the focus of everyday life. So in someways that is better. 

ANYHOO, the girl who is a day ahead of me did a HPT (home pregnancy test) yesterday and it came up positive. I was planning on testing the day before my Friday blood test, but I didn’t want to be depressed all week if I kept getting negatives. But once she tested, I knew that I was in the window that it was possible.

I woke up at 5 today while my husband was in the shower and all I could think about is that I could possibly know if I tested at that moment. Finally, I couldn’t restrain myself and I tested. AND THERE IS A SECOND LINE.

I ran into his bathroom to show him. Holy cow. This might actually work. I’m not ready to call it a real positive yet though, since with the second miscarriage I had a positive test, a positive blood test, and then the second blood test showed that I was already miscarrying. Since we’ve been through that experience, a positive test doesn’t mean what it once meant. So for today, this is our own little news to share with nobody except the random, faceless Internet.

2 Week Wait - Medicine Dosages

Now that I’m in the 2ww, I have all kinds of medicine schedules to follow.

I take progesterone 3 times a day, as close to exactly 8 hours apart as possible. My times are 6am, 2pm, and 10pm. I wanted to bump everything an hour later but I’m not always up at 11 when I have to work, which I’m doing for the next 2 weeks. The 6am thing will be rough on the weekend, but I’ll just set an alarm and go back to bed.

Every 12 hours, basically at breakfast & dinner, I take an estrogen pill.

Every 24 hours at dinner I take a baby asprin and some stomach/intestine stuff.

It’s a lot to keep track of.

Post Transfer Stomach Problems

I was supposed to pick my brother up today, but we found a way for my husband to do it, because I am not ready to get up and move around a lot. I have to work tomorrow so there won’t be an option, but I had a really hard night and I am not well. They warned me about gas after the retrieval, but I didn’t know there would be a problem after the transfer. Many of my body systems are messed up after the knock-out meds and all the pills I started taking after that. I had possibly the worst intestinal pains last night I have had in my entire life. I was supposed to not be moving, so I wound up “sleeping” (wasn’t much sleep) on the bathroom floor because I had to get up every 20 minutes and go to the bathroom. It was awful. I did wind up calling the after-hours line and they said I couldn’t take any meds to solve the problem. Oh my goodness. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been that miserable with the exception of my first kidney stone. It’s mostly over now, but my stomach is still not happy with me. 

We Got To Transfer!

About 5 minutes before we were scheduled to leave for the hospital this morning, the phone rang. I may or may not have said a bad word very loudly, fearing that this is the call that says “don’t come.” (They warned us one may come. They did not say they could call if all systems were go, hence my fear/anger/profanity.)

It was a nurse I know well, but not mine, letting me know that all systems are go for today. We have two 6 cell embryos and an 8+ cell embryo, both graded “good.” They want them to be between 6 and 8 cells for a 3 day transfer, so all 3 of them were perfectly average. She said that is really unusual for a Rescue ICSI situation, that usually they lag behind and are never quite as strong. She wished us good luck, and hung up.

A minute later, the phone rang again. It was MY nurse, back from vacation, calling to tell us how excited she was for seeing such good quality embryos with Rescue ICSI. We were pretty excited to get positive phone calls, especially to have 2 nurses call because they both wanted to tell us the good news!

Then began the torture part of the morning – drinking a bottle of Gatorade and HOLDING IT IN. Ever since my bladder test a couple years ago, I haven’t had the same holding stamina I used to. It hurts sooner. This was pretty painful. Especially after they started manipulating my body from multiple angles. I did at one point warn the girl with the ultrasound machine that if she didn’t want me to pee on the doctor, she might not want to push so hard. The doctor laughed and said I wouldn’t be the first. J I watched on the ultrasound as they squirted the two embryos in, and then laid still for about a half hour before going home. They even gave me a picture of the moment they went in. They're too small to see, since they're microscopic, but that's just how crazy this whole version of baby making is. A picture of the moment they entered my body. I guess that's our consolation prize for not being in the same room when it happened. ;)

The bed rest after retrieval was to keep me safe while my innerds healed. The bed rest after transfer is to try to keep the embryos where they belong while they start to (hopefully) implant.

When The Thing You Feared Is Now The Thing You Hope For...

We were meeting my in-laws for Father’s Day lunch today, but I didn’t want to get in the shower and miss the call for the update on whether the cells were still dividing. Finally, I couldn’t wait any longer so I jumped in the shower. Of course they called while I was in there, and talked to my husband. All 3 are still dividing. Today technically would have been day 3 based on the original egg retrieval, but since they didn’t fertilize for 24 hours, it’s now day 2 because they restart the counting. They told him that they want to transfer the embryos tomorrow on day 3 rather than waiting until day 5. They are concerned that because they were started with Rescue ICSI that they’re not as hearty as traditionally fertilized ones and that they have a better chance inside me than in a dish. Since it’s a day 3, they want to put 2 in rather than just the 1 we had decided to transfer on our day 5. (Ha, original plans, funny. Back when we thought there was any resemblance of control in this whole situation.) Since it’s a day 3 transfer, the chance of multiples is not as high, but it’s still a little nerve wracking to know that there’s the chance it could happen. We are still pretty nervous though, because they still have to make it through the night.

What a mind shift and life lesson. A couple weeks ago, a 3 day transfer was worst case scenario. Now, we'd give a limb to get that far.

Rescue ICSI to the Rescue!

When the phone rang this morning, I had to take deep breaths before picking it up. She asked how I was doing and I told her that was completely dependant upon what she had to say.

5 of them fertilized! 2 of those 5 didn’t do anything beyond the initial fertilization. Under the microscope they could identify that a sperm and an egg met, but nothing happened. But, there are 3 that ARE doing what they are supposed to be doing. (Dividing, with cells doubling by the day. Remember those cell division lessons from Biology?)

It’s a small glimmer of hope, but it is hope and we will take it for today!

Fertilization Report :(

I thought the call we got on Sunday was the worst call possible.

I was wrong.

Today’s call was worse.

Out of my 8 eggs, 0 fertilized. None. Zippo. Zilch.

The nurse (a substitute I have never worked with, because my nurse is on vacation this week) felt badly for me, because she could obviously tell that I started crying since I could barely speak. I asked what next. She said they wanted to try what is called “Rescue ICSI.” ICSI is a procedure in which they inject the sperm directly into the egg in an attempt to force fertilization. It’s actually one of the most beneficial advancements in IVF that they’ve had. It’s especially useful for couples who are dealing with low sperm counts, because you don’t have to wait for the sperm to find the egg in the dish and tire itself out before it does its job. Since both of our miscarriages happened naturally, they didn’t anticipate that fertilization was our problem so they didn’t do ICSI the first day. When couples have shown that as their primary problem, ICSI is done right away on the eggs after retrieval.

On the other hand, “Rescue ISCI” is done the next day after conventional fertilization doesn’t work. I asked if this ever works, and she quietly said “If it NEVER worked, we wouldn’t at least try. But it’s not a guarantee.”

After hanging up, I screamed louder than possibly I’ve ever screamed in my whole entire life. Twice.

Then I had to call my husband, who was at work. He offered to come home, but he just missed yesterday so I told him I would be ok on my own with the TV. (Of course shortly thereafter he just came home anyway, since he had no interest in working.)

Unfortunately for my parents in a 3-hours-behind-us time zone, I then called my mother.

Later on, the nurse who made the call did call back to check on me, because she was worried. She’s friends with my nurse and promised to take care of me. She did a good job. I will say, these are the best doctors and nurses I have ever worked with, and I’ve worked with many.

I hate this. They expect 70% success and we get 0%??

One of the docs called later in the afternoon to answer our questions. (Of course all this is happening while my doc AND my nurse are on vacation!) He was very nice, but very honest in the sense that the chances of this working are very slim. He said the “good” news is that we are no longer under the umbrella of “unexplained infertility” because chances are this is why we haven’t had success on our own.

The wait until tomorrow’s phone call is killing us.

We were supposed to go to the city tonight for a friend’s birthday party, but I can’t face leaving the couch right now. L

Egg Retrieval

My biggest fear with today’s procedure was not the actual procedure itself, but the IV. When you get knocked out, you can’t have anything to eat or drink after midnight. Since dehydration is the #1 culprit of painful sticks and long lasting bruises, that’s a problem for me EVERY TIME. (I’ve been knocked out a considerable amount of times: wisdom teeth, kidney stone blasting, bladder test, colonoscopy, and my D&C, plus IV’s for both times I’ve been in the ER for kidney stone diagnosis) My preferred stick point is my arm crook, but those spots are shot (no pun intended) from all the monitoring. My second preferred spot is the wrist. My least preferred spot is the forearm, but hand is a close 2^nd on the hatred list. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a say today and it was the back of my right hand. But the lady who did it was great, and I did drink a ton around 11pm last night so it hadn’t been a ton of hours for dehydration to set in.

After they prepped me, they let me play with my ipad and the wifi while I waited, so I played Draw Something with my left hand. Apologies to my opponents. J I was also able to have them write “NO CAFFEINE, NO DIET” on my chart because they said they were going to give me soda afterwards and I’m always loopy at that point so there’s a chance I’d say a happy OK if they offered me a Coke!

This was the first time in any of my knock-outs that I’ve walked myself into the OR. Honestly, that OR table looked like what you see in executions on TV, with the arms out to the side. The anesthesiologist promised it was only like that so he could do his thing with the IV without all the doctors getting in his way, but it was creepy. And COLD.

I was only out for about 20 minutes, because they came to get me just before 9:10 and I could see a clock by 9:40. I asked how many times I woke up, because I often wake up 5 or 6 times coming out of the meds, and they said the first time I talked, I was up for good! I drank my soda and ate my snacks, and they let my husband come back right away. Stupidly, I forgot to ask to go to the bathroom, so I was there longer than I needed to be. I was fully awake and walking normally by the time I was released. (They still wheeled me to the car, though.) If you ever get knocked out, ask to pee when you wake up and they will let you go! I actually noticed the cold discomfort from the fully open IV before I remembered to ask this time. (They open up the IV full flow to fill your bladder quicker.) Of course with my D&C I asked to pee so quickly that I got released before I probably should have, because I was OUT of it. I’m sure there is a happy medium.

The doctor came to tell me that they got 8 eggs, and that a nurse will call tomorrow with news. Since I’ve been home, I’ve been laying as still as possible on the couch with a heating pad. I’m crampy and uncomfortable, but it isn’t as bad as I feared.

We are really hoping that 6 fertilize tonight, because then we can be in the trial they’re doing with the new incubator. If you get into the new incubator, it’s sealed the whole time and they can watch the whole process with a computer instead of taking it out every day and checking it under a regular microscope. (Seems like this new incubator has zero downsides, but it’s still considered a trial. If you get 6 fertilized, they will split them 3 into the conventional style and 3 into the new one, and if you are successful, you get a flash drive with all the pictures!) They told us they tend to see approximately a 70% fertilization rate, so it’s iffy whether we’ll get to 6. I really hope we do!!

Pre-Op Physical

So today being the first day of summer, my usual plans are to sleep until noon. I couldn’t do that today because I had to have a physical before getting knocked out tomorrow. I was shocked when they weighed me – I recognized that I got a little swollen during all the medications, but I gained a considerable amount of weight from all the hormone bloat. I figured there was something going on, because I went from 8’s being baggy to 8’s not buttoning in 2 weeks, without any changes in diet. But I was still surprised by the number. Oh well. All for a good cause.

My brother is on the east coast this week and is visiting my NJ relatives for the night. I was invited to go, but with having to be at GBMC tomorrow morning super early I just couldn’t make it work. I’m disappointed, but eventually I’ll tell them the whole story.

Trigger Time!

What a difference a day makes! Today was the last day of school, and at my morning monitoring appointment (4^th day in a row with my doc, a new record! He’s going on vacation so he’s been covering other shifts) I was deemed ready to go. I sent my carpool friend to school without me so I could do all the pre-op instructions. It’s pages and pages of do’s and don’ts for the next few days and 2 weeks. No more morning or evening stim shots! Tomorrow I take an antibiotic to keep me safe when they do the ER, and then I start all the other post ER meds to make my body a nice home for the embryos. Then we wait, and hope they stick.

The most stressful thing about today was the trigger shot. They drew a target on my butt (really more my hip) for my husband to aim at. They gave us a time (10pm ON THE DOT !) and I was worried sick about it all day. My darling hubby sent me a countdown email “Just 11 more hours til I jab that GIANT needle into you! How exciting!” and in the evening, I practiced mixing with leftover saline from the stim shots because it’s mixed slightly differently than the stim medication. Plus, you have to use it fairly quickly after it is mixed so that it doesn’t separate and we had to time it so precisely! I poked the practice needle AND IT WASN’T EVEN SHARP. I’m sorry, but if you can poke the needle without pain, that’s just wrong. As I got more and more nervous, my husband did admit that he knew it was going to hurt, but that hopefully in 9 months I’ll be WISHING for pain as puny as a trigger shot. He’s pretty good at that perspective thing, I guess. J All I could think of all day was the “quick, dart like motion” we learned in injection class. (Think stabbing!) When it was time, I mixed it, switched to the injection needle (which was still honking big, but at least it was sharp(er) because it wasn’t used for mixing. Then, I laid face down on the couch, thinking that would eliminate all usage of that muscle and make it relaxed. I even bit down on the blanket, because I didn’t want to yell and make my hubby feel bad. So he sat down on the couch next to me, and I told him not to count, just to do it. I felt something, like the needle against my skin, and then nothing. So I stopped biting down on the blanket and asked if he did it, and it was already out. I was so excited! All that stress for nothing. I’m a wimp, but I am very aware of my wimp-ness. He did admit that once it was actually time to do it, he hesitated and was more nervous than he thought he’d be, but we both survived and passed with flying colors. We may have even high-fived. And then had ice cream. J

Stims Day 11 - Hope

Thankfully, my numbers went back up with the increased dosage. We have been spared for now and can continue the cycle. Thank goodness. I feel much more hopeful than I did yesterday. In hindsight, this shouldn’t have surprised me. I often stop responding to medicine or a dosage earlier than other people. But still. Ugh.

Stims Day 10 - Bad News

I just got a horrible, horrible, phone call. Every day, the nurse calls with my results from monitoring. However, today, the doctor called. That put the hairs on my neck up as soon as I heard his voice. He opened with “Did you take your medicine yesterday?” (Flashback to sitting outside the Hippodrome.) I assured him I did, although it was a little early. Apparently my numbers went DOWN instead of up like they are supposed to. This isn’t good. It can be a sign of a cycle that isn’t going to work. If the numbers don’t go up tomorrow, we’re in danger of having to start all over again. I don’t know what this would mean insurance-wise and money wise. Since I didn’t get to the surgery yet, I’m thinking it wouldn’t count as a cycle, but I don’t know. I’m so scared. They upped my meds so that now I’m taking 4 of each tablet (2 shots) plus the morning suppression shot. On top of everything, we got a pregnancy announcement from friends today. I am very happy for them, but it was like digging the knife in deeper because it came less than an hour after the doctor called with the bad news and it seems like everyone is fertile except for me. I feel like I am going to be sick. I hate this. Hate hate hate. I guess if I had to pick a silver lining, it’d be that now I’m guaranteed to be able to work the last 2 days of professional day stuff and do my presentation. But that’s a lousy silver lining. L

Stims Day 9 - In The Most Amusing Place

Same dosage for today after my morning monitoring appointment. It was a nice surprise to see my actual doctor this morning at monitoring. Usually it’s random monitoring staff on the weekends, but all the docs take a turn. Since I won’t be triggering today, I will at least get to go to school on Monday. Tuesday isn’t a definite yet.

Fun fact – I have to take this medicine at the same time every day, or as close to that same time as possible. My time is 8pm. Tonight, I had concert tickets to see Kristin Chenowith at the Hippodrome with a friend at 8pm, so I obviously couldn’t be giving myself shots. It takes about 10-15 minutes to do the whole thing by the time I mix and jab both needles. So I talked to the doctor about how big of a window I had and what my evening plans were, and he told me as long as I was within an hour, I’d be ok. So I packed myself a little travel kit and did it in the car, on Redwood Street, around the corner from the Hippodrome, while hoping that the O’s would continue to play extra innings and the fans wouldn’t start streaming by while I was giving myself a shot.

Travel Kit = plastic bin to act as a tray with sides to put in my lap, tiny bag (actually the bag that holds my ipod speakers) to hold needles, meds, gauze, and extras of everything in case I dropped or contaminated something.

I’m a big girl now, for real. I “shot up” in downtown B-more. ;)

Stims Day 8 - From One shot to Three

Today, I bumped from 1 shot to 3. They had to up my nighttime dosage so that I’m taking 3 tablets of each med, so now that is 2 shots. (I’ve noticed that I’m much better at giving shots on the left side of my belly button. I have lots more knicks, scratches, and marks on the right side. I wonder why?) In addition, I take a morning shot to keep my body from releasing the 7 or 8 eggs that are growing and maturing in there. That shot has its pros and cons. Pro is that it’s pre-filled and ready to go. Con is that it burns like a bugger. I was very aware of the shot location for about 30 minutes after I did it. Youch!

So today was the kids last day of school. I asked to be on the birth control pills for a few extra days so that we could ensure I would be in school today and not at the ER stage yet. It’s still a little iffy whether I will have to miss work on Monday or Tuesday, our professional days. I’m really hoping that ER will be timed for at least Wednesday, but what happens happens. I have not pre-warned the administration because I don’t want to bring it up if I don’t have to, but I spent extra time today making sure my room is ready just in case I don’t get to come back Monday.

Amusing thing – I now have a favorite needle gauge! That is REALLY something I never thought I would say. I’m not positive what the numbers of needle gauges measure, but the bigger the number, the smaller the needle diameter. The pre-filled ones from the IUI months and the morning shot these days are 27s. The night time needles are 30s. The 30s are great because you don’t feel them go in, but they take FOREVER to get the medicine from syringe to body. The hole is SO tiny that you have to push the plunger really slowly. The 27’s are still small enough that they don’t really hurt, but the plunger can move much faster because the meds have a bigger hole to go through. So there you go. All about needle gauges.

Oh, and the giant big one that is waiting for trigger day? That’s a 22. It looks like it’s as big around as a number 2 pencil. (Ok, not really, but it’s HUGE compared to the others. And it’s an inch and a half long instead of a half inch long because it needs to get to muscle instead of flub.

Stims Day 7

From here on out, there will probably be monitoring every day. I’m doing a lot of Gatorade drinking in the morning before the blood draws because they have to make my veins last for several more days, and then they need IV access for the surgery part. My veins do NOT like being stuck for blood, so I’m really worried about making it without having to get blood taken from weird places. (I HATE getting shots on my forearm. It’s like there are triple the pain receptors there!) Same dosage as yesterday.

Stims Day 6

Same plan as yesterday – 5 tablets, 1cc. They told me that if I have to bump up anymore, I will have to make it 2 shots instead of 1 because it will hit its dissolving limit. I can see that, because it takes longer and longer for each tablet to dissolve as I work my way down the row of medicine each night!

Stims Day 5 - Monitoring and Dosage Increase

Today’s monitoring was both b/w and u/s. The u/s showed 7 or 8 follicles growing. I was hoping for a few more than that, but maybe more will show up later. The bloodwork showed I’m ok, but they increased one of my meds. So tonight’s shot is still just 1cc of liquid, but will have 5 dissolved tablets instead of just 4.

Stims Day 4

Another day of the same dosage, and no monitoring. Crazy that by day 4 this is almost “old hat.” I still do have to chalk up some bravery before doing the needle stick, but it gets easier every day. Now I know how diabetics and other people who have to take shots really do just get used to it. I honestly never believed them!

Stims Day 3 - First Monitoring Appointment

The monitoring started this morning. No ultrasounds yet because there wouldn’t be anything to see, but they checked my bloodwork to make sure my levels are rising appropriately. All good, and my dosage stays the same.

Stims, Day 2

It is really nice that I started this on June 1st, because my stim day and the month date are the same. That is making the whole record keeping thing much easier! :)

Same dosage as yesterday, 1cc of liquid and 2 tablets of each med. Today I held the syringe in a better place and was able to do what I needed to do all by myself! Woohoo!

Stims, Day 1

Today was the big day. Shot #1. Spoiler alert – I did it! I screwed it up a little and needed some assistance pushing the plunger, but I did the actual shot part! I got everything all ready to go – it was 1cc of saline and 2 tablets each of 2 different meds, so 4 dissolved tablets altogether. The screw up came after I did the shot – my fingers were too close to the front, like a pencil, and I was too scared to let go of the death grip while the needle was in me and so I couldn’t reach the plunger. After laughing at the whole thing, I asked my hubby to do the plunger pushing. Tomorrow will be better. J