8dp3dt

(Title Translation: 8 days past 3 day transfer - There's all kinds of lingo in the IF world)

Throughout this process, I have been using a support group online. It’s a little like a water park ride. Since there are so many of us, just about every day someone starts their stims, triggers, has a retrieval, a transfer, or a beta (blood pregnancy) test. You wait your turn forever and ever, and then finally it’s your turn to slide. It's a great experience, because when someone has success there is nothing but joy for them. I don't get the "why is everyone but me fertile!?" feeling like I do in real life. I know that is my own selfish emotions coming into play, but it's really hard. I am glad I have proved to myself that I really can feel overjoyed with emotion for someone's success. It's not a contest to see who was infertile the longest or who deserves pregnancy the most, that's not it at all. It's just stupid human emotion. I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy. Honestly. I wouldn't want anyone to feel what a miscarriage feels like, or a second one. Or waking up to a period 35 times while you wish it wasn't there. But it's still nice to have a connection to others who are walking the same path and who get it. Especially because IF is such a silent thing. It isn't like you can just bring it up at lunch and chit chat about it. Which I think is dumb on one hand because it's nothing to be embarrassed about, it's just another medical diagnosis and journey. On the other hand, we put active effort into making sure it isn't all we talk about or think about. So since we're not "out" in our social circles, it doesn't have to be the focus of everyday life. So in someways that is better. 

ANYHOO, the girl who is a day ahead of me did a HPT (home pregnancy test) yesterday and it came up positive. I was planning on testing the day before my Friday blood test, but I didn’t want to be depressed all week if I kept getting negatives. But once she tested, I knew that I was in the window that it was possible.

I woke up at 5 today while my husband was in the shower and all I could think about is that I could possibly know if I tested at that moment. Finally, I couldn’t restrain myself and I tested. AND THERE IS A SECOND LINE.

I ran into his bathroom to show him. Holy cow. This might actually work. I’m not ready to call it a real positive yet though, since with the second miscarriage I had a positive test, a positive blood test, and then the second blood test showed that I was already miscarrying. Since we’ve been through that experience, a positive test doesn’t mean what it once meant. So for today, this is our own little news to share with nobody except the random, faceless Internet.