Passed a TON of tests!

Unlike last month's appointment which took over an hour to be seen and get out of there, tonight's appointment was only 10 minutes. I want a doctor that will stay and talk if I deem it necessary or if there's something to be said, but I don't need small talk if it's not necessary. Bing bang boom! It was basically all good news. Happens rarely, but it's my favorite type of appointment!

I don't have gestational diabetes. Yay! Even more importantly, I did NOT create antibodies based on our positive/negative blood types so my previous Rhogam shots did their jobs. (I didn't get to get my shot tonight because they're out of Rhogam, so I have to go back tomorrow, but that is ok.) I don't have syphilis either. (surprise. Not.) And I'm not anemic. (They told us at baby class that half the people who come in to the hospital in labor are either anemic or approaching it because the baby sucks iron. My cholesterol probably stinks these days, but I love red meat and it's good for not getting anemic so yay for that. Plus he said he'd extend my prescription for PT as long as I felt it was helping me. Quadruple yay!

AND, we were in the car at 6:10 for our 6pm appointment. I dig it.

Monthly Visit

I forgot to update after our monthly visit on Monday night. We met the 4th doctor in the practice at this visit. He's a nice guy, and was absolutely fascinated by my medical history. While I appreciate the care and interest, it turned what is usually a 10 or 15 minute appointment into an 82 minute appointment and dinner at almost 9pm. Most of it he wasn't even really talking, he was reading my history and making exclamations like "Wow!" or "That worked? That never works!" Yup. I know. My body is committed to helping doctors of all flavors "Practice" medicine.

To determine a trimester, when you divide the 40 weeks by 3, you get 13 1/3 weeks. So I figured somewhere in the 26-27 week range is the beginning of the 3rd trimester. Instead, this doctor said he considers the 3rd trimester after the viability date of 24ish weeks so that I'm already there. Viability, can you believe it? Of course nobody would WANT their baby to be born this early, but it's technically possible that it'd live if it was. It's much more preferable to keep the baby inside and healthy for lots of more weeks.

I also got a flu shot. I have never ever gotten one before because of my weird reactions to all types of medicines, but it was highly recommended that I do so. It's apparently better for the baby to get the medicine if I have an issue than for the baby to deal with me getting the flu if I get that. I usually get sick over the winter, but I have never been officially diagnosed with an official strand of influenza. I guess this would be a lousy year to start that trend.

In the coming weeks, I have to have a bunch of important tests done. Luckily they can run them all from one set of blood work.

The standard one is the test for gestational diabetes. I would hope not to get that, of course. But having to conform to a diet or medicine for 12 or 13 weeks would be do-able because there would be an end date in sight. (The GD goes away the second they cut the cord if you develop it.)

The other one is related to our A-/A+ blood type issues. They have to test me to see if I was sensitized to the Rh factor. That would be dangerous because it would hurt any future babies. I got the Rhogham shot after my first m/c and again during a bleeding spell early in this pregnancy. (It wasn't necessary with the second m/c because I wasn't pregnant long enough.) Those shots were supposed to protect me. Hopefully they did their job! Unfortunately, there's a chance for a false positive (positive is the bad result) because of that shot I got in the ER this time. If my body hasn't completely processed it, it would make the test come back positive even if I wasn't sensitized. That's a little frustrating.

So hopefully it all goes well!

Fetal Echo

We had a fetal echo done on the baby's heart today. It was recommended after our last scan and the OB said it'd be a good idea since we had to do the rescue ICSI. Since I'm almost at 24 weeks now, if something didn't look right they could start trying to figure out how to fix it. Luckily everything looked ok. I was more stressed about it than I wanted to be. Mostly because if something showed up on this particular scan, it was making me feel as though it was our fault. We knew going in that ICSI had a higher incidence of birth defects, so if one showed up I'd feel selfish for causing it in our desire to have a baby. So now that we've passed the a/s and the f/e without any red flags popping up, I'm feeling a little better.

Physical Therapy

More than a month ago, my old sciatica issues began creeping up in my left hip, but muscle, & leg. Back in college, I bent down to get laundry one day and threw out my back. (See? Laundry is dangerous, people!) It was random and out of the blue, but they checked me and said it was not doing to permanently injure me. After working on some stretches for a couple months, I got it to subside. I always figured it'd show back up in pregnancy, especially since it's a common pregnancy symptom for people who even haven't had it previously.

At my last appointment, I asked about what kinds of stretches/exercises I could do safely with being on pelvic rest. Answer? Not much. As the baby has growth spurts, so does my spotting, so I'm being more careful these days than I have been in the last month or so. (I never got all the way to NOT careful, but I stopped walking on eggshells!) So today started my "supervised" stretching and hopefully we'll find a solution.

I'm going to PT a couple times a week for a few weeks to see what kind of progress we can make. Tonight's session was mostly diagnostic. We checked my hips and leg length first. At least since my fibro diagnosis, and possibly since before then, my left leg has been shorter than my right leg due to my hips being crooked. We were thinking that maybe since connective tissue relaxes in pregnancy, my hips could be normal and my orthotic & lift would be over-correcting. For better or worse, I'm still crooked so my orthotics are still A-OK. My front tendons are super out of wack. One is right under the surface and one is more than an inch further in. That's certainly not helping! We did a few isometric stretches where I only moved a leg a centimeter or two with the therapist providing the tension. Then she did massaging in a certain direction to release some pressure.

While I was sore when I got home, it's a good sore instead of a bad sore. Hopefully this works!!

Monthly Appointment

I'm at about 21 and a half weeks now. We had our regular monthly appointment today and had the doctor I like the best. She shared the official results of our anatomy scan from a couple weeks ago. Everything is officially ok. However they are recommending that we do a fetal echo (heart test) because we had to do ICSI. Nothing is appearing wrong based on this test, but they recommend double checking. Medicine has come so far that if they find a problem now, they can solve them sooner. Hopefully they won't find anything to solve.

Anatomy Scan

Today was our big 20 week ultrasound. Thankfully, the baby has all the body parts it needs and they all appear to be working properly. We were a little concerned that there was a problem with the heart because the ultrasound tech spent a lot of time there and was making faces at the computer screen, however, it turned out that the baby just wouldn't get in the right position to get the necessary pictures.

For the last couple weeks, people at work have been asking constantly when we were going to find out the gender. It fascinates me that people care so much. I have noticed that the few people I know that are part of the "IF Club" don't ask. They know that it doesn't matter. They know that even the "oh as long as it's healthy!" line is annoying too. Because I wouldn't love the kid any less if it wasn't healthy. We did all the genetic testing and screening not because we would have chosen to end the pregnancy, but to be prepared. When you're used to doctors giving you bad news all the time, you like to go in to things with your eyes open. So honestly, we're just hoping for human. And today's scan told us that's what we are getting!

Today was also the first time I "outed" us on Facebook and Twitter. Yesterday I was able to tell my former boss in person (and she totally wins for best reaction, by the way!) and the last couple friends of my husband were emailed, and that covered our bases for people who would kill us if they found out on FB. I also felt secure enough to share the news after a positive scan. It was scary to do, but I did it anyway. Then 5 minutes later the bleeding was back and I was second guessing my decision!!!! But deep breaths .... we're half way there.

October visit

We had the same doctor this month as last time and our appointment was pretty quick again. I thought I was going to get a flu shot, but their paperwork wasn't set up yet so I escaped that fate for awhile. (You'd think I'd be over the needle thing by now!!!!) I'm pretty concerned about the flu shot thing because of my weird reactions to all medicines. I've been advised in the past to avoid the flu shot, but this is a different situation so I have to defer to the OB. All I can do is hope for the best! Now, to keep my fingers crossed that we make it to our next month appointment without an emergency visit in between!!

Answers, Maybe!

Thankfully, this story ends with "and then it was all OK and we went home."

Yesterday for the first time I had extreme discomfort at the same time I had increased bleeding. It continued into today, so I called and gave them an update and they asked to see me. (Luckily they asked to see me in the office, not the ER!) The nurse listened to the heartbeat and was ready to send me on my way. I finally put my foot down and was insistant. I told her that I didn't just call the doctor when I had a question or problem just so that I could get a heartbeat listen. Maybe some people do that, but that's not what I wanted. I kept explaining what was different about this time and why I called, because I don't call every time I bleed. (I'd need a constant open line for that!)

She decided to call in a midwife to check my cervical length just to make sure that wasn't the problem. The second the midwife peeked, her face turned white. (Bad poker face, lady!) She said there was something coming out of my cervix that concerned her. I said OUT OF MY CERVIX? She said it could be a polyp, but that she's never seen a polyp that size so that it could be baby. I said but we just heard the heartbeat! She said she knew, but this was important enough to get the doctor out of L&D downstairs.

So then I spent 20 minutes partially covered by a piece of paper, shivering and shuddering from stress. Thank goodness my husband was there. The midwife kept coming in to check on us with her "I'm sorry I caused this panic state, but I have no words to say to make you feel better because I don't have a good feeling about this" face.

When the doctor came up, he got filled in on the situation and looked and determined that it is indeed a polyp. Woohoo! The midwife let out the biggest sigh of relief I've ever seen from a medical person. So then I had a thousand questions, all of which were pretty much answered with "we don't know." He didn't say it was going to cause a huge problem, he said it could shrink, grow, or fall off, but that they cause bleeding in the instances I have been experiencing it so that's probably our culprit. Whew.

September Visit

Today was our every-4-week visit and the first with a doctor. I liked him because he was down to earth. He gave us the results of our NT scan, listened to the heartbeat, answered a few questions, and sent us on our way. When we were at the NT scan they told us everything looked ok, but with my blood work added in, the chances of several various chromosomal disorders are very low. They can never be zero from this test, but I was happy to hear that the odds are low, especially since our first miscarriage was the result of a chromosomal abnormality. One more milestone down!

NT Scan

We went for the NT scan today, and everything looks good on the screen. They checked the brain and all the body parts to see if they were developing normally as well as the nuchal fold size for a couple things. There is a bloodwork component that we wait on, but so far it looks ok!

Trip to the ER

Yesterday was extremely confusing.

It was my first day with students. Therefore, I was up and about and being a normal person. It wasn't hurting me, I felt good, I just did my thing. I know that I do walk with more of a purpose when I'm working with 25 kids in the room or popping in somewhere to grab something in the 3 minutes between classes. But it's not like I was running a marathon or lifting weights! So I was surprised to go to the bathroom and realize the red was back.

I called the doctor's office and SURPRISE got through to someone without having to leave a message. I pushed the button for "If you're an OB patient with a question" and someone said "Hello?" I was shocked. So ALL I DID was ask that if the red was going to be par for the course now that I was up and about as opposed to lounging around all the time. She immediately told me I was going to need a Rhogam shot. I thought that was only a post-pregnancy thing, so I told her I had one after my D&C and she said I'd need another one. Plus an u/s. I wasn't really concerned about getting an u/s since I have one on Friday, but whatever. She said she'd ask and call me back.

She called back a couple minutes later and said they wanted to see me for the shot and a doppler listen rather than an u/s. When I told her I could be there around 5, she said that wouldn't work because the nurses leave at 4. (I couldn't have told you the nurse schedule, but I knew for a fact that I have an evening appointment in a couple weeks, so SOMEONE is there at 5!) "But," she said, "The Rhogam shot has to be done through L&D anyway, so just tell them we sent you and that they should do a doppler listen as well." Ok. I clarified where Labor & Delivery was since I've never actually been there, and I was good to go. (It should be noted that a friend who is in-the-know was nearby when the call happened and she remembers it the same way.)

Went home, waited a few minutes for my husband to get home, and off we went. We show up at L&D and the front desk is perplexed and confused. She makes a call to someone, they are perplexed and confused. That someone (who I wrongly thought was the doc's office and was in fact a nurse on the L&D floor) came to get me and said I had to go to the ER. WHY!?! I asked why I would need a Rhogam shot and she said well if you're having a m/c, then you need one. I DIDN'T THINK I WAS HAVING ONE BUT NOW YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT.

So, long story shorter, we eventually got seen (after my friend was kind enough to bring me my laptop so I could get homework done ... the last time we were in the ER it was 14 hours, so I had to write sub plans just in case) and the doctor and nurse weren't sure why I was there either. The doc did a quick u/s, noticed everything was fine, called my OB practice, they apologized profusely for the confusion, said yes I needed a Rhogam shot because I was bleeding, did that, and sent me on my way.

Various medical professionals have known for a MONTH that I was bleeding. Why did I all of a sudden need emergency Rhogam TODAY!? And still nobody answered my "Is this par for the course because I'm walking around?" question.

I'm still confused.

10 weeks and Scared Out Of My Mind

Today is 10 weeks. I should be over the moon! I am past my previous milestone date and today's the last day of  all my IVF medications. No more progesterone, no more estrogen, no more baby asprin! The end of the IVF road, the day where I turn into a "regular" pregnant person. But my SCH spotting (or at least what I hope is SCH spotting) has been pretty active since yesterday. I had red 3 times in 2 days. (Not heavy, but hadn't had red in awhile.) For weeks I've been wanting this day to come because I was going to be so excited and happy! Instead, I'm scared to death that something is wrong. Since the last u/s at the RE (2 weeks ago) showed that my SCH was very small, the OB wasn't concerned with the fact that I was still spotting. But I hate it. If I hadn't had a missed m/c before maybe I wouldn't be as scared. But I am. And I hate it. 

First OB Appointment

One more step today on the road to becoming a regular pregnant person. We had the intake appointment at the regular OB office. This is the office I visit for all of my regular things and I have been through an early pregnancy and miscarriage with them, so I was not expecting to leave there feeling like crap. But I did.

The office has both midwives and doctors that are available for the OB journey. Due to all my other issues, I choose the doctor route. A good friend of mine has used the midwives twice and had good experiences, and if pregnancy was the only thing going on in my body maybe that's what I would do. But alas, I feel the doctors are the path for me. However, a Dr's (billable) time is more valuable, so a midwife does the intake appointment. I have met a couple in the past and it's been fine. But I left feeling really deflated due to comments she made.

Very early on, she made a comment about religion and IVF. I know in my rational brain that she was certifying that I wouldn't refuse a blood transfusion or anything like that due to religious beliefs, but it sat with me the wrong way and came out sounding very anti-IVF. She also made a comment about how if I can survive a kidney stone, I could do labor on my own which came out very judgmental of those who choose drugs. And while I know it's a doctor's job to be pro nursing and anti formula, I thought it was a little premature to deal with that lecture too. While I know that it's best, I know what it's like to live with fibromyalgia. And I know that lack of REM sleep makes me completely useless to the universe. So I am going to have to see how it plays out. If there's a way to let me sleep 4 hours instead of 2, and keep me able to function, then I might have to take it.

One of the most painful things is that she was very flippant about my chemical pregnancy. That is one of my biggest anger triggers. In fact I just had a phone conversation with my mother that triggered me too. My mother's issue is that she had never heard the term before. So what? So that makes it not real? I knew I was pregnant for 6 days. A blood test at the doctor's office confirmed it. Then a second blood test showed lowering numbers instead of doubling numbers, confirming that my body was going to fight it and not let it continue. How is that not real? Sure, I never saw the baby on an ultrasound like I did with the first and third pregnancies, but it was still real. It's still a baby that we don't have. Anyway, so the midwife asked how I knew that I had a CP or was it possible that I was just late with my cycle. Seriously? Like I'm going to make that up in a 35 month journey to attempt pregnancy? Sigh.

Finally, she was completely non bothered by my continuted SCH spotting. I was hoping that they'd want to check the size to make sure it was still small, since I have had red a couple times since the u/s that showed it was almost gone. She said I could honestly spot for a long, long, time. But my research has shown me that the longer it goes on, the more dangerous it could possibly turn out to be. She said I didn't have to follow the red=bed rule that S.G. suggested. The docs there said we want to avoid red at all costs and to listen to my body, figure out what causes it, and don't do those things. Midwife just kept saying "We can't prevent it. If your body is going to miscarry, it's going to miscarry." I told her that for my mental state, I really wanted to make it to tomorrow (which is now today) because that was my milestone date for my first loss. Her response was "Well, I tell people they can't really stop worrying until 12 weeks." What? Way to rain on my parade, lady.

So yeah, I left deflated.

Exhausted

I'm exhausted. I'm tired of bleeding. No, it's not dark red everyday, but it's there. Every day. Today I had an extra odd occurrence. I don't know if it was part of the bleeding/spotting or if it had something to do with my pee, but when I went to the bathroom a couple times this morning I smelled sugar. Super smell. It was odd. Hopefully it wasn't a problem, but it was only for a little while. I think it was part of the spotting because it was different today, but I don't know what would have caused it. Google is no help, not that Googling is a good idea. Ever. :)

All Good

I was nervous beforehand, but all was ok. They graduated us today. Gave us all the paperwork to take to the regular OB next week. After all this close monitoring, I am a little scared that we won't have another ultrasound for quite some time. They're more reassuring than anything else. Maybe that's my new birthday present wish? :) We had a pretty long u/s today, since it was the last one before leaving and they were making notes. The baby is still measuring to the exact day. Today, it was moving! We had never seen that before. It's smaller than a gummy bear, but it's starting to have arm buds and it was definitely moving. Crazy. Now, to hope this SCH resolves itself and quits acting up.

I'm also very worried because we're now in the window of when the first loss happened. We don't know exactly when it happened, but it was the middle or end of the 8th week. The RE told me that with our good measurements it's unlikely something would happen at this point, but she is aware that we lost that lottery before. When they happen at this point, it's almost always chromosomal. Unfortunately, there's no way to know if that will happen until it does. All we can do is hope. I am not usually a superstitious person, but I've been so scared to do certain things for fear of jinxing it!

Thank Goodness I Was Warned

If the RE hadn't warned me that it could seriously gush, I'd be panicking right now. Instead I'm oddly not. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's really weird to have the equivalent of the worst 1st day of your period ever while you're PREGNANT. But she warned me it could happen, that the blood was going to get out of there somehow. I called to make sure it was safe to put my medicine in while the bleeding was happening and they offered to see us tomorrow morning. (I didn't even ask! Honest!) I'm a little nervous, and a little scared, but 99% sure that all is ok and that this is just the SCH continuing to bleed out.

Relief

I have never been more shocked at my body than I was this morning. We got to the doctor's office, and amazingly there was nobody there and they took us right away. They know I'm looney and a little high anxiety due to my 2 losses, and they are very good to me! I explained what was going on, and the weird pressure I had last night that I thought was just exhaustion after standing up and teaching a professional development all day. She took notes, and started the ultrasound. As soon as the grainy, blurry blob showed up on the screen she said the best 4 words on Earth, "Well, there's the heartbeat!" The baby is still measuring exactly to the day of the Rescue ICSI. The heartbeat is exactly where it needs to be. I cried. I couldn't believe it. Something ELSE went our way. How is it possible that this keeps happening?!? She found the bleed on the screen. I guess (from how she explained it) the sac can pull away from the wall and cause a little bleeding. Some people absorb it and go on with their lives and never know, some people bleed. I'm in the half that has to panic. :) She said what is in there is small, but that it could still bleed. I asked if she meant little leaking like this morning (It honestly wasn't much this morning, it was just the color that terrified me!) and she said it can be so heavy that it saturates your clothes with no warning.

So, I've got that to maybe look forward to? Ugh. But I'm told not to panic. I'm working on that. :)

So many things went our way today, not just the results.

#1 - My husband was home when I woke up bleeding. He's usually at work by then, and 45 minutes away. Because he had to be home to wait for the pest guy to visit, he was here and managed my insanity while also dealing with his own fear. He's the best!

#2 - I'm supposed to be at a relatively important thing at work today, but there's another session next week so it's manageable that I'm home on the couch with my feet up until it stops. If this had happened in a few weeks, it would have been much harder to deal with.

#3 - I was getting up early because I couldn't sleep, so I had plenty of time to shower and get to the office during morning time.

#4 - My RE office was empty today, a rarity. That enabled them to calm our fears that much sooner.

Scared

We're scared. I woke up bleeding. I know this is insane, but I have an important work thing to do today, so if I can get there, I'd like to. So we're going to go over during morning monitoring time and see if they can squeeze us in. I know people deal with this all the time, in fact I've seen several girls deal with it in the past week or so that were in my IVF cycle group online, and they're all fine. But I'm 0 for 2 in the bleeding while pregnant department, so I'm terrified. I can't do this again. I can't.

Preparing to Graduate

Today I had to call the regular OB and make my appointment for when I graduate from Shady Grove. I was nervous to call because I didn’t want to jinx anything! I know that’s silly, but I don’t have a lot of normal rational thought when it comes to pregnancy anymore. (I was glad to see during all the days I worked this summer that I can still be normal and rational when it comes to the real world!) To certify my annoyance with the practice, I left a message in the “make an appointment” voice mailbox at 1, and they called me back at 4:20.  I’m definitely going to have to train my brain to get back in the mindset of being at a regular doctor!

Heartbeat!

I was really really nervous going into today’s appointment. Like shaking nervous. I was worried that we wouldn’t see anything, that it would look the same as before and nothing would have happened. The Wednesday scare didn’t help. But as soon as she started the ultrasound, we could see that something was there. And we could see and hear the heart beating. I’m not done being scared, but for the first time I’m starting to think that maybe it could happen. That in turn scares me because we’re still not to the milestone loss date from the first one. We go back in 10 days which will be 8 and a half weeks, right around when the test results showed the loss happened last time. I wish we were going to have another ultrasound after that, but we will graduate to the regular OB after our July 30^th appointment. That’s scary. It will be very different working with them, because they’re not the kind of practice that answers the phone and solves your problem or answers your question within 10 seconds like Shady Grove is.

Nervous/Panic

I panicked today and called the doctor. One of my medicines is a tablet that I have to take vaginally rather than orally. It’s white, so that is a calming thing when it leaks out later. Today it was yellow/tan rather than white. It scared me to death. I was at a conference so I didn’t have free ability to use the phone, but I got a call in and a message back later. They said I’m probably fine and that I’m probably just irritated from taking this medicine for a month and getting multiple ultrasounds and that kind of thing. But I’m still stressed. It stopped after awhile but the stress level did not. I’m trying to stay calm because that’s what is the healthiest, but it isn’t easy.

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to me!

We did the ultrasound this morning. Not much to see at 5w4d. While I feel marginally happier, I still don’t feel all the way relieved. We got all the way to seeing the heartbeat at 7 and a half weeks the first time, and they say that once you see the heartbeat your chances of miscarriage are really small. But then 2 weeks later I bled and we found out it had happened the week between the ultrasound and the bleeding. So I don’t know when I will lose this level of stress, but it isn’t yet, that’s for sure. I keep trying to just say, Today, I am pregnant.

Beta #3 - Even bigger!

Another big jump, this time to 1188! The next time I go to the doctors, on the 10^th, (My birthday!) we won’t have bloodwork, it will be an ultrasound. We won’t be able to see much at that early stage, but once your bloodwork gets over 2000, the ultrasound is more useful than the beta number. Since my doubling time is 30-something hours, we’ll be over 2000 by tomorrow and therefore graduate to the next step.

I am still not out of the nervous-to-the-point-of-feeling-sick stage. I would like that to end soon.

Beta #2 - Still Climbing

Today they wanted to see 150 or higher. It was 336! While it’s exciting to see it go up so high, I compared my numbers to the Beta Base website and it’s highly unlikely that both embryos took. It’s still a possibility, but not a probability anymore. We are once again hoping for doubling by Thursday.

Happy Anniversary!!!!!!!!

I tested every morning this week after getting the initial positive on Tuesday, and it was still positive when I went this morning for blood work. The nurse called to confirm the positive this afternoon, while I was at work. Talk about having to put on a poker face! J I left the room to answer the phone, but I had to go back shortly thereafter and get back to our writing. Last time with the chemical pregnancy, it was 50, six days after my missed period. Today is the equivalent of my missed period, and it’s 70! It is supposed to double every 2-3 days, so I go back on Monday to check it. I'm nervous, oh so nervous. I miss the joy that I feel we should have. I mean, I'm happy - we both are. But still super nervous that it won't stick. But for today, I'm pregnant.

Best anniversary present EVER! J

8dp3dt

(Title Translation: 8 days past 3 day transfer - There's all kinds of lingo in the IF world)

Throughout this process, I have been using a support group online. It’s a little like a water park ride. Since there are so many of us, just about every day someone starts their stims, triggers, has a retrieval, a transfer, or a beta (blood pregnancy) test. You wait your turn forever and ever, and then finally it’s your turn to slide. It's a great experience, because when someone has success there is nothing but joy for them. I don't get the "why is everyone but me fertile!?" feeling like I do in real life. I know that is my own selfish emotions coming into play, but it's really hard. I am glad I have proved to myself that I really can feel overjoyed with emotion for someone's success. It's not a contest to see who was infertile the longest or who deserves pregnancy the most, that's not it at all. It's just stupid human emotion. I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy. Honestly. I wouldn't want anyone to feel what a miscarriage feels like, or a second one. Or waking up to a period 35 times while you wish it wasn't there. But it's still nice to have a connection to others who are walking the same path and who get it. Especially because IF is such a silent thing. It isn't like you can just bring it up at lunch and chit chat about it. Which I think is dumb on one hand because it's nothing to be embarrassed about, it's just another medical diagnosis and journey. On the other hand, we put active effort into making sure it isn't all we talk about or think about. So since we're not "out" in our social circles, it doesn't have to be the focus of everyday life. So in someways that is better. 

ANYHOO, the girl who is a day ahead of me did a HPT (home pregnancy test) yesterday and it came up positive. I was planning on testing the day before my Friday blood test, but I didn’t want to be depressed all week if I kept getting negatives. But once she tested, I knew that I was in the window that it was possible.

I woke up at 5 today while my husband was in the shower and all I could think about is that I could possibly know if I tested at that moment. Finally, I couldn’t restrain myself and I tested. AND THERE IS A SECOND LINE.

I ran into his bathroom to show him. Holy cow. This might actually work. I’m not ready to call it a real positive yet though, since with the second miscarriage I had a positive test, a positive blood test, and then the second blood test showed that I was already miscarrying. Since we’ve been through that experience, a positive test doesn’t mean what it once meant. So for today, this is our own little news to share with nobody except the random, faceless Internet.

2 Week Wait - Medicine Dosages

Now that I’m in the 2ww, I have all kinds of medicine schedules to follow.

I take progesterone 3 times a day, as close to exactly 8 hours apart as possible. My times are 6am, 2pm, and 10pm. I wanted to bump everything an hour later but I’m not always up at 11 when I have to work, which I’m doing for the next 2 weeks. The 6am thing will be rough on the weekend, but I’ll just set an alarm and go back to bed.

Every 12 hours, basically at breakfast & dinner, I take an estrogen pill.

Every 24 hours at dinner I take a baby asprin and some stomach/intestine stuff.

It’s a lot to keep track of.

Post Transfer Stomach Problems

I was supposed to pick my brother up today, but we found a way for my husband to do it, because I am not ready to get up and move around a lot. I have to work tomorrow so there won’t be an option, but I had a really hard night and I am not well. They warned me about gas after the retrieval, but I didn’t know there would be a problem after the transfer. Many of my body systems are messed up after the knock-out meds and all the pills I started taking after that. I had possibly the worst intestinal pains last night I have had in my entire life. I was supposed to not be moving, so I wound up “sleeping” (wasn’t much sleep) on the bathroom floor because I had to get up every 20 minutes and go to the bathroom. It was awful. I did wind up calling the after-hours line and they said I couldn’t take any meds to solve the problem. Oh my goodness. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been that miserable with the exception of my first kidney stone. It’s mostly over now, but my stomach is still not happy with me. 

We Got To Transfer!

About 5 minutes before we were scheduled to leave for the hospital this morning, the phone rang. I may or may not have said a bad word very loudly, fearing that this is the call that says “don’t come.” (They warned us one may come. They did not say they could call if all systems were go, hence my fear/anger/profanity.)

It was a nurse I know well, but not mine, letting me know that all systems are go for today. We have two 6 cell embryos and an 8+ cell embryo, both graded “good.” They want them to be between 6 and 8 cells for a 3 day transfer, so all 3 of them were perfectly average. She said that is really unusual for a Rescue ICSI situation, that usually they lag behind and are never quite as strong. She wished us good luck, and hung up.

A minute later, the phone rang again. It was MY nurse, back from vacation, calling to tell us how excited she was for seeing such good quality embryos with Rescue ICSI. We were pretty excited to get positive phone calls, especially to have 2 nurses call because they both wanted to tell us the good news!

Then began the torture part of the morning – drinking a bottle of Gatorade and HOLDING IT IN. Ever since my bladder test a couple years ago, I haven’t had the same holding stamina I used to. It hurts sooner. This was pretty painful. Especially after they started manipulating my body from multiple angles. I did at one point warn the girl with the ultrasound machine that if she didn’t want me to pee on the doctor, she might not want to push so hard. The doctor laughed and said I wouldn’t be the first. J I watched on the ultrasound as they squirted the two embryos in, and then laid still for about a half hour before going home. They even gave me a picture of the moment they went in. They're too small to see, since they're microscopic, but that's just how crazy this whole version of baby making is. A picture of the moment they entered my body. I guess that's our consolation prize for not being in the same room when it happened. ;)

The bed rest after retrieval was to keep me safe while my innerds healed. The bed rest after transfer is to try to keep the embryos where they belong while they start to (hopefully) implant.

When The Thing You Feared Is Now The Thing You Hope For...

We were meeting my in-laws for Father’s Day lunch today, but I didn’t want to get in the shower and miss the call for the update on whether the cells were still dividing. Finally, I couldn’t wait any longer so I jumped in the shower. Of course they called while I was in there, and talked to my husband. All 3 are still dividing. Today technically would have been day 3 based on the original egg retrieval, but since they didn’t fertilize for 24 hours, it’s now day 2 because they restart the counting. They told him that they want to transfer the embryos tomorrow on day 3 rather than waiting until day 5. They are concerned that because they were started with Rescue ICSI that they’re not as hearty as traditionally fertilized ones and that they have a better chance inside me than in a dish. Since it’s a day 3, they want to put 2 in rather than just the 1 we had decided to transfer on our day 5. (Ha, original plans, funny. Back when we thought there was any resemblance of control in this whole situation.) Since it’s a day 3 transfer, the chance of multiples is not as high, but it’s still a little nerve wracking to know that there’s the chance it could happen. We are still pretty nervous though, because they still have to make it through the night.

What a mind shift and life lesson. A couple weeks ago, a 3 day transfer was worst case scenario. Now, we'd give a limb to get that far.

Rescue ICSI to the Rescue!

When the phone rang this morning, I had to take deep breaths before picking it up. She asked how I was doing and I told her that was completely dependant upon what she had to say.

5 of them fertilized! 2 of those 5 didn’t do anything beyond the initial fertilization. Under the microscope they could identify that a sperm and an egg met, but nothing happened. But, there are 3 that ARE doing what they are supposed to be doing. (Dividing, with cells doubling by the day. Remember those cell division lessons from Biology?)

It’s a small glimmer of hope, but it is hope and we will take it for today!

Fertilization Report :(

I thought the call we got on Sunday was the worst call possible.

I was wrong.

Today’s call was worse.

Out of my 8 eggs, 0 fertilized. None. Zippo. Zilch.

The nurse (a substitute I have never worked with, because my nurse is on vacation this week) felt badly for me, because she could obviously tell that I started crying since I could barely speak. I asked what next. She said they wanted to try what is called “Rescue ICSI.” ICSI is a procedure in which they inject the sperm directly into the egg in an attempt to force fertilization. It’s actually one of the most beneficial advancements in IVF that they’ve had. It’s especially useful for couples who are dealing with low sperm counts, because you don’t have to wait for the sperm to find the egg in the dish and tire itself out before it does its job. Since both of our miscarriages happened naturally, they didn’t anticipate that fertilization was our problem so they didn’t do ICSI the first day. When couples have shown that as their primary problem, ICSI is done right away on the eggs after retrieval.

On the other hand, “Rescue ISCI” is done the next day after conventional fertilization doesn’t work. I asked if this ever works, and she quietly said “If it NEVER worked, we wouldn’t at least try. But it’s not a guarantee.”

After hanging up, I screamed louder than possibly I’ve ever screamed in my whole entire life. Twice.

Then I had to call my husband, who was at work. He offered to come home, but he just missed yesterday so I told him I would be ok on my own with the TV. (Of course shortly thereafter he just came home anyway, since he had no interest in working.)

Unfortunately for my parents in a 3-hours-behind-us time zone, I then called my mother.

Later on, the nurse who made the call did call back to check on me, because she was worried. She’s friends with my nurse and promised to take care of me. She did a good job. I will say, these are the best doctors and nurses I have ever worked with, and I’ve worked with many.

I hate this. They expect 70% success and we get 0%??

One of the docs called later in the afternoon to answer our questions. (Of course all this is happening while my doc AND my nurse are on vacation!) He was very nice, but very honest in the sense that the chances of this working are very slim. He said the “good” news is that we are no longer under the umbrella of “unexplained infertility” because chances are this is why we haven’t had success on our own.

The wait until tomorrow’s phone call is killing us.

We were supposed to go to the city tonight for a friend’s birthday party, but I can’t face leaving the couch right now. L

Egg Retrieval

My biggest fear with today’s procedure was not the actual procedure itself, but the IV. When you get knocked out, you can’t have anything to eat or drink after midnight. Since dehydration is the #1 culprit of painful sticks and long lasting bruises, that’s a problem for me EVERY TIME. (I’ve been knocked out a considerable amount of times: wisdom teeth, kidney stone blasting, bladder test, colonoscopy, and my D&C, plus IV’s for both times I’ve been in the ER for kidney stone diagnosis) My preferred stick point is my arm crook, but those spots are shot (no pun intended) from all the monitoring. My second preferred spot is the wrist. My least preferred spot is the forearm, but hand is a close 2^nd on the hatred list. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a say today and it was the back of my right hand. But the lady who did it was great, and I did drink a ton around 11pm last night so it hadn’t been a ton of hours for dehydration to set in.

After they prepped me, they let me play with my ipad and the wifi while I waited, so I played Draw Something with my left hand. Apologies to my opponents. J I was also able to have them write “NO CAFFEINE, NO DIET” on my chart because they said they were going to give me soda afterwards and I’m always loopy at that point so there’s a chance I’d say a happy OK if they offered me a Coke!

This was the first time in any of my knock-outs that I’ve walked myself into the OR. Honestly, that OR table looked like what you see in executions on TV, with the arms out to the side. The anesthesiologist promised it was only like that so he could do his thing with the IV without all the doctors getting in his way, but it was creepy. And COLD.

I was only out for about 20 minutes, because they came to get me just before 9:10 and I could see a clock by 9:40. I asked how many times I woke up, because I often wake up 5 or 6 times coming out of the meds, and they said the first time I talked, I was up for good! I drank my soda and ate my snacks, and they let my husband come back right away. Stupidly, I forgot to ask to go to the bathroom, so I was there longer than I needed to be. I was fully awake and walking normally by the time I was released. (They still wheeled me to the car, though.) If you ever get knocked out, ask to pee when you wake up and they will let you go! I actually noticed the cold discomfort from the fully open IV before I remembered to ask this time. (They open up the IV full flow to fill your bladder quicker.) Of course with my D&C I asked to pee so quickly that I got released before I probably should have, because I was OUT of it. I’m sure there is a happy medium.

The doctor came to tell me that they got 8 eggs, and that a nurse will call tomorrow with news. Since I’ve been home, I’ve been laying as still as possible on the couch with a heating pad. I’m crampy and uncomfortable, but it isn’t as bad as I feared.

We are really hoping that 6 fertilize tonight, because then we can be in the trial they’re doing with the new incubator. If you get into the new incubator, it’s sealed the whole time and they can watch the whole process with a computer instead of taking it out every day and checking it under a regular microscope. (Seems like this new incubator has zero downsides, but it’s still considered a trial. If you get 6 fertilized, they will split them 3 into the conventional style and 3 into the new one, and if you are successful, you get a flash drive with all the pictures!) They told us they tend to see approximately a 70% fertilization rate, so it’s iffy whether we’ll get to 6. I really hope we do!!

Pre-Op Physical

So today being the first day of summer, my usual plans are to sleep until noon. I couldn’t do that today because I had to have a physical before getting knocked out tomorrow. I was shocked when they weighed me – I recognized that I got a little swollen during all the medications, but I gained a considerable amount of weight from all the hormone bloat. I figured there was something going on, because I went from 8’s being baggy to 8’s not buttoning in 2 weeks, without any changes in diet. But I was still surprised by the number. Oh well. All for a good cause.

My brother is on the east coast this week and is visiting my NJ relatives for the night. I was invited to go, but with having to be at GBMC tomorrow morning super early I just couldn’t make it work. I’m disappointed, but eventually I’ll tell them the whole story.

Trigger Time!

What a difference a day makes! Today was the last day of school, and at my morning monitoring appointment (4^th day in a row with my doc, a new record! He’s going on vacation so he’s been covering other shifts) I was deemed ready to go. I sent my carpool friend to school without me so I could do all the pre-op instructions. It’s pages and pages of do’s and don’ts for the next few days and 2 weeks. No more morning or evening stim shots! Tomorrow I take an antibiotic to keep me safe when they do the ER, and then I start all the other post ER meds to make my body a nice home for the embryos. Then we wait, and hope they stick.

The most stressful thing about today was the trigger shot. They drew a target on my butt (really more my hip) for my husband to aim at. They gave us a time (10pm ON THE DOT !) and I was worried sick about it all day. My darling hubby sent me a countdown email “Just 11 more hours til I jab that GIANT needle into you! How exciting!” and in the evening, I practiced mixing with leftover saline from the stim shots because it’s mixed slightly differently than the stim medication. Plus, you have to use it fairly quickly after it is mixed so that it doesn’t separate and we had to time it so precisely! I poked the practice needle AND IT WASN’T EVEN SHARP. I’m sorry, but if you can poke the needle without pain, that’s just wrong. As I got more and more nervous, my husband did admit that he knew it was going to hurt, but that hopefully in 9 months I’ll be WISHING for pain as puny as a trigger shot. He’s pretty good at that perspective thing, I guess. J All I could think of all day was the “quick, dart like motion” we learned in injection class. (Think stabbing!) When it was time, I mixed it, switched to the injection needle (which was still honking big, but at least it was sharp(er) because it wasn’t used for mixing. Then, I laid face down on the couch, thinking that would eliminate all usage of that muscle and make it relaxed. I even bit down on the blanket, because I didn’t want to yell and make my hubby feel bad. So he sat down on the couch next to me, and I told him not to count, just to do it. I felt something, like the needle against my skin, and then nothing. So I stopped biting down on the blanket and asked if he did it, and it was already out. I was so excited! All that stress for nothing. I’m a wimp, but I am very aware of my wimp-ness. He did admit that once it was actually time to do it, he hesitated and was more nervous than he thought he’d be, but we both survived and passed with flying colors. We may have even high-fived. And then had ice cream. J

Stims Day 11 - Hope

Thankfully, my numbers went back up with the increased dosage. We have been spared for now and can continue the cycle. Thank goodness. I feel much more hopeful than I did yesterday. In hindsight, this shouldn’t have surprised me. I often stop responding to medicine or a dosage earlier than other people. But still. Ugh.

Stims Day 10 - Bad News

I just got a horrible, horrible, phone call. Every day, the nurse calls with my results from monitoring. However, today, the doctor called. That put the hairs on my neck up as soon as I heard his voice. He opened with “Did you take your medicine yesterday?” (Flashback to sitting outside the Hippodrome.) I assured him I did, although it was a little early. Apparently my numbers went DOWN instead of up like they are supposed to. This isn’t good. It can be a sign of a cycle that isn’t going to work. If the numbers don’t go up tomorrow, we’re in danger of having to start all over again. I don’t know what this would mean insurance-wise and money wise. Since I didn’t get to the surgery yet, I’m thinking it wouldn’t count as a cycle, but I don’t know. I’m so scared. They upped my meds so that now I’m taking 4 of each tablet (2 shots) plus the morning suppression shot. On top of everything, we got a pregnancy announcement from friends today. I am very happy for them, but it was like digging the knife in deeper because it came less than an hour after the doctor called with the bad news and it seems like everyone is fertile except for me. I feel like I am going to be sick. I hate this. Hate hate hate. I guess if I had to pick a silver lining, it’d be that now I’m guaranteed to be able to work the last 2 days of professional day stuff and do my presentation. But that’s a lousy silver lining. L

Stims Day 9 - In The Most Amusing Place

Same dosage for today after my morning monitoring appointment. It was a nice surprise to see my actual doctor this morning at monitoring. Usually it’s random monitoring staff on the weekends, but all the docs take a turn. Since I won’t be triggering today, I will at least get to go to school on Monday. Tuesday isn’t a definite yet.

Fun fact – I have to take this medicine at the same time every day, or as close to that same time as possible. My time is 8pm. Tonight, I had concert tickets to see Kristin Chenowith at the Hippodrome with a friend at 8pm, so I obviously couldn’t be giving myself shots. It takes about 10-15 minutes to do the whole thing by the time I mix and jab both needles. So I talked to the doctor about how big of a window I had and what my evening plans were, and he told me as long as I was within an hour, I’d be ok. So I packed myself a little travel kit and did it in the car, on Redwood Street, around the corner from the Hippodrome, while hoping that the O’s would continue to play extra innings and the fans wouldn’t start streaming by while I was giving myself a shot.

Travel Kit = plastic bin to act as a tray with sides to put in my lap, tiny bag (actually the bag that holds my ipod speakers) to hold needles, meds, gauze, and extras of everything in case I dropped or contaminated something.

I’m a big girl now, for real. I “shot up” in downtown B-more. ;)

Stims Day 8 - From One shot to Three

Today, I bumped from 1 shot to 3. They had to up my nighttime dosage so that I’m taking 3 tablets of each med, so now that is 2 shots. (I’ve noticed that I’m much better at giving shots on the left side of my belly button. I have lots more knicks, scratches, and marks on the right side. I wonder why?) In addition, I take a morning shot to keep my body from releasing the 7 or 8 eggs that are growing and maturing in there. That shot has its pros and cons. Pro is that it’s pre-filled and ready to go. Con is that it burns like a bugger. I was very aware of the shot location for about 30 minutes after I did it. Youch!

So today was the kids last day of school. I asked to be on the birth control pills for a few extra days so that we could ensure I would be in school today and not at the ER stage yet. It’s still a little iffy whether I will have to miss work on Monday or Tuesday, our professional days. I’m really hoping that ER will be timed for at least Wednesday, but what happens happens. I have not pre-warned the administration because I don’t want to bring it up if I don’t have to, but I spent extra time today making sure my room is ready just in case I don’t get to come back Monday.

Amusing thing – I now have a favorite needle gauge! That is REALLY something I never thought I would say. I’m not positive what the numbers of needle gauges measure, but the bigger the number, the smaller the needle diameter. The pre-filled ones from the IUI months and the morning shot these days are 27s. The night time needles are 30s. The 30s are great because you don’t feel them go in, but they take FOREVER to get the medicine from syringe to body. The hole is SO tiny that you have to push the plunger really slowly. The 27’s are still small enough that they don’t really hurt, but the plunger can move much faster because the meds have a bigger hole to go through. So there you go. All about needle gauges.

Oh, and the giant big one that is waiting for trigger day? That’s a 22. It looks like it’s as big around as a number 2 pencil. (Ok, not really, but it’s HUGE compared to the others. And it’s an inch and a half long instead of a half inch long because it needs to get to muscle instead of flub.

Stims Day 7

From here on out, there will probably be monitoring every day. I’m doing a lot of Gatorade drinking in the morning before the blood draws because they have to make my veins last for several more days, and then they need IV access for the surgery part. My veins do NOT like being stuck for blood, so I’m really worried about making it without having to get blood taken from weird places. (I HATE getting shots on my forearm. It’s like there are triple the pain receptors there!) Same dosage as yesterday.

Stims Day 6

Same plan as yesterday – 5 tablets, 1cc. They told me that if I have to bump up anymore, I will have to make it 2 shots instead of 1 because it will hit its dissolving limit. I can see that, because it takes longer and longer for each tablet to dissolve as I work my way down the row of medicine each night!

Stims Day 5 - Monitoring and Dosage Increase

Today’s monitoring was both b/w and u/s. The u/s showed 7 or 8 follicles growing. I was hoping for a few more than that, but maybe more will show up later. The bloodwork showed I’m ok, but they increased one of my meds. So tonight’s shot is still just 1cc of liquid, but will have 5 dissolved tablets instead of just 4.

Stims Day 4

Another day of the same dosage, and no monitoring. Crazy that by day 4 this is almost “old hat.” I still do have to chalk up some bravery before doing the needle stick, but it gets easier every day. Now I know how diabetics and other people who have to take shots really do just get used to it. I honestly never believed them!

Stims Day 3 - First Monitoring Appointment

The monitoring started this morning. No ultrasounds yet because there wouldn’t be anything to see, but they checked my bloodwork to make sure my levels are rising appropriately. All good, and my dosage stays the same.

Stims, Day 2

It is really nice that I started this on June 1st, because my stim day and the month date are the same. That is making the whole record keeping thing much easier! :)

Same dosage as yesterday, 1cc of liquid and 2 tablets of each med. Today I held the syringe in a better place and was able to do what I needed to do all by myself! Woohoo!

Stims, Day 1

Today was the big day. Shot #1. Spoiler alert – I did it! I screwed it up a little and needed some assistance pushing the plunger, but I did the actual shot part! I got everything all ready to go – it was 1cc of saline and 2 tablets each of 2 different meds, so 4 dissolved tablets altogether. The screw up came after I did the shot – my fingers were too close to the front, like a pencil, and I was too scared to let go of the death grip while the needle was in me and so I couldn’t reach the plunger. After laughing at the whole thing, I asked my hubby to do the plunger pushing. Tomorrow will be better. J

Injection Class

I honestly never thought I’d be going to something called “Injection class.” My darling husband enjoyed it way more than me. #1 – he’s not a needle phobe, #2 – it isn’t his stomach! J Luckily, I’ve been able to keep my sense of humor intact about the whole thing because if I don’t, I will lose my ever loving mind. It was really useful to walk through the stuff with the nurse because these meds are much more complicated than a simple pre-filled syringe. For several of them, there’s a pressed tablet (think like the Smarties candy) in the bottom of one bottle and liquid in another bottle. I have to draw up a certain amount of liquid, squirt it into the tablet’s bottle, swirl to mix without shaking (bubbles are bad!) and then switch to the baby needle before injecting. Lots of steps! Especially because there will be multiple bottles a night. My husband learned how to do everything too so that when I freak out there will be a rational mind around. He also had to learn to do the big shot in the butt muscle for the end. Joy! But at least we’re ready to do this now.

Hot Stone Massage

Today I treated myself to a great present. A chocolate hot stone massage! I had wanted to do that back when I was in Hershey, but I couldn’t since I was in the 2 week window of my first IUI. I thought about going up to Hershey to do the hot chocolate bath as pre-treatment de-stressing gift, but decided that was over the top and too expensive. I found a local place that does hot stone massages and also has the chocolate option so that’s where I went. It was a cute little house in downtown Bel Air. While I can see why people who are in to the deep kneading type of massage would find the hot stone style boring, I loved it. It was perfect for my fibromyalgia because it was long and lengthening rather than deep. I’d do it every week if I could afford it! J However, it’s nice to know that I could afford a couple of the ones here locally for the same price as one in Hershey, without the travel costs. 

Mock Transfer

Today was one of my more odd tests, a “mock transfer” or “saline sonogram.” They did a map of my insides by filling everything with saline and watching on the ultrasound. It has something to do with the day they put the embryos back in – making sure they know if there are any spots to avoid. Technology, especially medical technology, fascinates me.

Meds...Lots and Lots of Meds

We got a giant box of medicine today. Holy aye carumba! Not to mention tons of syringes, extra needles, and a sharps container. I must say, thank goodness for my quality health insurance. Since this cycle is covered, I only had to pay my copay for each medicine. Some of the meds are still fancy and brand name, so they cost me $50 with my plan. But some are generic, so they are free! Needles and syringes are like a penny or something crazy like that. We did the math, and it is a box of over $6,000 worth of meds & supplies, and only cost us $200. Thank goodness. I honestly don’t know how we would make all of this work without insurance.

Starting the BCPs

Today, it begins. Birth control pills. (Which still makes me laugh at the thought.) The last day my body’s hormones are my own … hopefully for almost a year? ;) 

IVF Talk

Today’s appointment was called “The IVF Talk.” Before going, I read the 30 page booklet on the Shady Grove website all about IVF and everything that happens so that we could ask questions and it wouldn’t be the first time we’d be hearing certain things. I honestly hadn’t done a lot of research about the actual steps because I was hoping to never have to know. Oh boy do we know things now! There are different versions of cycling, but here’s the basic rundown that we’re following.

-Approximately 1 month of birth control pills (I know what you are thinking. I have that birth control thing down PAT. However, while they will act as birth control the real purpose here is to get all the hormones under control so they’re starting with a blank slate.

-Approximately 7-12 days of “stims” – lots of lots of shots. I sure am glad I got to practice on myself a couple weeks ago. Sounds like we will be REALLY good at it by the time we’re done here. The first meds make lots of follicles (hopefully holding good eggs) rather than the 1 that your body normally produces in a month. Then they add meds that keep your body from releasing the eggs (anti-ovulation meds.)

-Daily bloodwork and ultrasound to keep track of what is going on

-Trigger shot – instead of the tiny belly shot we did during the IUI, it’s a intramuscular shot in the butt. I’ve heard it sucks. Unlike IUI which is just sort of timed to the procedure, this one is timed to the minute. (No chance to wimp out!)

-Egg retrieval – This is the big one, the actual operation in a hospital. They knock you out (yuck, IV!) and then use a needle to go pop all the follicles and retrieve the eggs.

-Petri Dish – They put the eggs and sperm into dishes and let them do their thing

-Day 3 or 5 after that – They put the embryo back in. Until semi-recently (they’ve been doing IVF since 1978, or longer than my life!) they could only keep embryos alive for 3 days outside the body and then they had to put them back in. Unfortunately, at 3 days, it’s hard to tell which ones are going to be viable. That’s why they would put a bunch in and IVF got the stigma of being an irresponsible way to get pregnant and lots of people had multiples. The reason they did that is that the chances of pregnancy went up with each embryo they put back in. Now, they have the technology to keep them alive for 5 days. Only the strong ones survive to 5 days. If you do a day 5 transfer, the chances of getting pregnant are only 1% different if you put back 1 or 2. That’s pretty fascinating, and comforting to know because even twin pregnancies are pretty risky for the babies and the mom.

-Post Transfer Medicines – No shots! Whew. There are other protocols that use injectables for this time frame too, but our office said that patient compliance is higher with non-injectible medicine and that research has shown no difference in results. Fine by me.

-Blood test – a couple weeks later

So today we got a calendar and they called our meds into a specialty fertility pharmacy. It was really hard for us to get to the mental place where we were ok with these extreme measures, but now that we are left with no choice, we are ready to get the show on the road.

BFN, again

Big.

Fat.

Negative.

Turns out it’s a good thing that I asked them to file that paperwork, because we will be needing the IVF cycle after all. L Again, it wasn’t a surprise when they called because I tested at home, but it is still really depressing. I hate this. In reality, this only had a 10% chance of working each month, but still. UGH.

IUI #2 In The Books

IUI, Take 2, complete. So far this time I’ve had much less cramping. Both months I took the morning off and went to school, but this month I’d never know I had something done this morning. A nice change! Now, to wait. Again.

I did ask the doctor’s office to file the pre-approval paperwork for IVF today as well. I don’t want to be pessimistic, but I need for there to be a plan just in case. If this doesn’t work, I want to roll right into the next step and not be stuck waiting for a month or more just for paperwork.

Fingers crossed that it won’t be necessary! J J

Trigger Already?

Last month, I started my monitoring on day 11 and it took 4 days of checking before the two follicles were big enough to take the trigger medicine to release the eggs. After the trigger, there was 36 hours until the procedure. (Everything is timed, not exactly to the minute, but down to a few hour window.) This month was vastly different. Today as soon as they started the u/s, a giant blob showed up. The doctor thought maybe it was a cyst, but they called a few hours later and said my bloodwork did point to it being a ready-to-go follicle and that I should take the shot ASAP and schedule the IUI for tomorrow morning. This worries me. I called back (since it was a message on my cell while I was teaching) and asked if this was just a hail Mary pass. I don’t want to be playing catch up if we missed the best window, since this is the last insurance covered IUI we have. (Seriously – why do insurance companies think that Infertility stuff is all just a bunch of random elective surgery?? After our measly tries, it’s covered the same as elective boob jobs. That annoys me. Anyway, I digress.) She said that we were still in the ok window and that my bloodwork says I’m fine. I asked about the oddity of last month having 36 hours between shot and procedure and this month having 18 hours between shot and procedure and she said that’s fine, there’s multiple ways of doing it. I have no choice but to believe them.

Then came the next situation. My husband wasn’t going to be home until after dinner. They said to take the shot as soon as I possibly could. That meant only one thing – I had to be a big girl and do it by myself. Ugh. Luckily, it’s only been a month since the last one and I remember that it seriously didn’t hurt, it was just the fear that was bad. That helped a lot. I did get a little ribbing from my husband though when I called him to tell him. He did offer to come home and do it before he went to the gym, but I said that was silly and I’d be fine. Then, as I was having a mental image of driving to the gym with a needle in my hand for him to jab in me, he said “If you show up at the gym with that thing I’m going to point and laugh!” J In the end, all was well. I did it on the first try. Even though a few people who give themselves shots had warned me that skin has more resistance than you’d think, I was still surprised how much I really did have to push the thing in. But I am proud of myself now. J

Beginning the Clomid, Round 2

Round two of medicine started today. I had to do some math to figure out when to take it and set a phone alarm because I’ll switch time zones again before I’m done with all of them. Here we go again! At least I'm on vacation - everything is easier on vacation! :)

IUI #2, Baseline Appointment

Hooray! For once, my body cooperated. I was able to get in and do the cyst check this morning and we don’t leave until tomorrow! I’m not usually a drinker, but I think in Vegas I’m going to have to partake merely because I can.

IUI Results :(

We got the official negative blood work news that our IUI did not work today. It is a LOT harder to not have success with a medicated cycle than it was to not have success over and over again on our own. It surprised me much it really stung, even though I had taken a home test and never gotten a positive so the phone call wasn’t a surprise. We are hoping to roll right into our 2^nd (and final insurance covered) IUI cycle, but once again a vacation may hinder our chances. (We keep having the important weeks be major holidays!) Depending on how long it takes my period to get here, I may or may not be able to get the baseline bloodwork and ultrasound done before we go. It has to happen on specific days of the cycle. I can take the pills while we are gone because I’ll be back in time to check and see if they worked, but they have to clear me to take the meds first. Fingers crossed.

IUI Day

Today was the actual IUI. After all the monitoring, the IUI was like a complete non-event. I honestly can't believe that the insurance company doesn't cover more of these since they really can't cost that much overall. Some ultrasounds, some bloodwork, and one tiny lab procedure. Plus the cost of the turkey baster, I guess. ;) It was actually a really thin straw like thingy.

What kind of stunk was that I was alone. Our appointments were a couple hours apart to give them time to do whatever they have to do to the "sample," so he was already at work by the time I went for my appointment. I laid there, they did their thing for about 30 seconds, and then I stayed for 15 or 20 minutes before heading off to work. I thought they'd send me home to do headstands all day but I was assured that would not increase my chances of working. I'm a little crampy now, but nothing horrible. Now, we wait.

They gave me a HILARIOUS "how to cope" card afterwards. It's terribly hokey and says things like "do something nice for yourself" and "call a good friend." Personally I think they should give you free therapy for 2 weeks. :)

Trigger Time!

Today's u/s and b/w revealed that I'm finally done cooking. We were given a window of time tonight to do the shot, and then the IUI is Thursday.

Here's the directions: http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/resources/ovidrelpre-filledsyringe.jsp (Click on instructions for use tab in the middle.)

Thoughts that went through my head: "Seriously? You're going to let me stick a needle in my body with just that as guidance? My body isn't as flat as hers and my nails aren't manicured. What if I fail?"

Thoughts that SHOULD have been going through my head: The needle isn't that big. It is very sharp and very skinny.

Reality: I sat down at the table. I used an alcohol swab to wipe off the stomach flub area where it was going. I took the (seriously, small) syringe out of its packet. I breathed deep. Mike laughed at me. (He isn't a needle phobe.) I took the cap off the needle -

AND I LOST MY NERVE.

Once that (seriously people, tiniest needle ever) had the cap off, I couldn't do it. I could not willingly jab the metal into my stomach.

So I squeezed the flub, looked away, squeezed my eyes shut, and let Mike do the shot.

It did not hurt. At all. I'm a wimp. But I'm not of the needle-in-my-flub variety, so I decided to stay that way. With any luck it will never be an issue again. :)

More monitoring

This everyday thing is exhausting (and rather expensive, because we do have a copay every time I go) and I'm still not ready. My arm veins are exhausted from every day bloodwork. Hopefully tomorrow's the magic day.

Day 12 Monitoring and Time Change

I was really smart last night and "sprung ahead" with my clocks.

Want to know what I did NOT do?

TURN ON MY BLEEPING ALARM.

I woke up shortly before I needed to be 45 minutes away. Luckily I got there JUST before they closed for the morning, so I could be seen. 

I feel like an idiot.

Monitoring on Day 11

Today was my first monitoring appointment. Here's the basic gist. The Clomid I took earlier in the week for 5 days had the job of making multiple follicles. Usually in a month, one of your ovaries makes one follicle. A follicle grows like a bubble and a microscopic egg floats around inside. Then when you ovulate, the bubble pops and the egg starts on its journey. The job of Clomid is to make multiple bubbles so that your chances increase. Of course that also increases your chances for multiples, since you have more than one egg floating around in there. That's why I have to have ultrasounds and bloodwork every day now. They will make sure that an appropriate amount of eggs are maturing (so I don't wind up as Oct-Mom) and the bloodwork gets ready to tell them when I'm going to ovulate and release the eggs. Then I will take a shot (they tell me it's small and easy, but I'm nervous about the fact that my training to do so amounts to a YouTube video) to finish the egg maturation and click the ovulation into high gear. A day or two later they'll do the insemination and hopefully the train that leaves station A runs into the train leaving station B at the appropriate time.

Clomid

Just took my first pill. Hopefully it all goes ok, I'm not a super bitch all week, and it works.

The IUI Begins

Today was my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. I have no cysts and my b/w was ok, so I'm cleared to begin. I start my Clomid this weekend and then I have to go for LOTS of monitoring appointments. I'm nervous. I'm nervous about how the whole process will go, and how the success rate is still miserably low (only 10%) even with the meds and monitoring. But I'm usually in the minority with medical odds, so maybe this is my game!

Back to 0

My HCG is now back to 0. My body will supposedly revert back to "normal" quickly this time, since the pregnancy was so short. The next time a cycle starts, we're going to try the IUI that we previously planned.

Bad News

There isn't going to be a baby this time, either. My number went down to 10, rather than doubling. They call this a chemical pregnancy, where it begins to implant enough to secrete the HCG that makes positive tests, but doesn't develop after that.

I can't believe I am now someone who has to mark 2 miscarriages on doctor paperwork. How did I get here?

Confusing News

My bloodwork came back positive. However, it's a little iffy. While the "yes/no" portion of the test technically says "yes," it's more of a "pretty much." My progesterone is low, and that's what helps sustain a pregnancy. Also, my HCG is only 50. Today is technically 6 days after my missed period. They want the number to be in the neighborhood of 50 on THAT (missed period) day, and then double every 2-3 days after it. But it could have implanted late or something like that. They called in a progesterone prescription for me that I'm taking every 8 hours. However, tonight I started spotting. I called the nurse and she said that it happens in lots of early pregnancies. But my only experience is a bad one, so it wasn't very reassuring. But what she also said that hit hard was that honestly, they can't keep me from losing it. They can beef up my body with meds, but my body has to do the work. I'm so scared. I go back Monday for more bloodwork.

Still There

This morning's was positive, so I emailed my nurse at Shady Grove and told her. She told me to come in for monitoring so they could make sure it's progressing nicely. (Just a hunch - I'm on their patient roster, so I would count as a success for them even though they had nothing to do with it?) I go Friday for bloodwork.

Can I just say, that this is NOTHING like the last time. I have spent the last 24 hours in complete and sheer terror. This isn't fun. Not at all. Every time I go to the bathroom I have to breathe deeply and try to mellow out my brain, because I'm scared of something happening. I wonder if that ever goes away.

Holy Crap

Saturday was day 28 and I wasn't even spotting, so I tested. It was negative. I'm not always a 28 day cycle person, but that's kind of my rule.

Over the weekend, I continued to show no signs of spotting.

Yesterday, my boobs started to hurt badly. Today I had to go to the bathroom a thousand times (give or take.) I checked in the drawer and had another test, so I tried on a whim.

And it is POSITIVE. Holy crap and a half. It's light, but it's there.